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From: Jen
Date: 10/15/00
I am typing right now because I’m sad. I’ve heard that it’s good to write down what’s on your mind to help sort it out. I don’t have anyone that I’m comfortable talking with about feelings that I have that I fear may be insane feelings. I guess some of them could be normal. But normal for who? Someone insecure? I want, I need to be important to other people. One of the most important person’s in their lives. Not everyone’s life, but to the people that are close to me. I won’t just let anyone close to me. It has to be someone that peaks my interest, challenges me and is interested in the kind of friendship that I provide. I think I have a lot to offer and I love to offer it. It’s actually a passion of mine. My Mom says that I should have been a psychiatrist. I am naturally in tune with people and yet am able to be totally not involved. People that I love very much can be going through something very terrible to them and I can be there for them, and actually offer something valuable. And I want to be there. I haven’t met anyone else quite like me. The closest person I can think of is Paul, my friend’s boyfriend. We seem to clash though. There are so many things that I want to ask him about, see if he’s like me, see if he understands what I feel. I’ve been with someone now for 10 months. He’s a person with a good heart. I have fears that he doesn’t really love me though even though he pretty much does everything right in my mind. He focuses a lot on sex and how I look. I’m not beautiful, but I’m not bad. I have no problems getting guys. I’m not sure if it’s because we haven’t been dating very long so the honeymoon is still going on, but I definitely want to know that there is something deeper. I’m not sure if he even knows me. I know that takes time, and I have put up some barriers for him to do that without his knowledge. Afraid that I’m not as good as he was expecting. And by that I mean, I have a past. I’ve always been a good person, but I have had wild times. Things that I know he could not imagine. He’s not judgmental, but I like to be someone with credentials, someone who really has it together, not the typical person, someone extraordinary. One of my friends hates the fact that everyone thinks that I am such an angel. I guess I naturally personify myself to be. Can’t angels do bad things? My friends are drifting apart from me. I can tell that no one, especially Stephanie and Denise, want to confide in me anymore. They were my most high maintenance friends. I have such a problem facing people with weakness. How do I tell them that I’m hurt that I can’t be there comfort and savior? At the same time, I am becoming very judgmental. I think that is part of the reason that they are not confiding. Also, John and I are getting along rather well. I have the fear of love as I stated before, but he and I definitely have something special that no one can deny. My friends also see how I’ve changed though, and I don’t think they like it. Especially being more judgmental than before. But how can I tell them that it sickens me to watch them continually hurt themselves with their actions? Stephanie has gotten back together with her boyfriend for the 20th time, Denise’s insecurity is causing her to mess around with men that treat her badly. I understand making mistakes, but the same ones over and over again? I also think that they know they are doing something wrong, but they persist with these actions. I tried to open up to Denise at one time. I started crying. She had no idea how to handle it. Later she really told me that she freaked out about it. I find myself wanting to reach out to her, but it makes it a little harder when I fear she will be uncomfortable again. She seemed to get annoyed a few months ago when I was shutting everyone out about my sadness. This year, over the past 6 or 8 months, I have been more sad than a I have been in a long time. Could it be attribute to John being in my life? He has no expectations of me, only to be there. Could it be because of my act with him? I have slowly changed that. But not fully. Is it because my friends haven’t lived up to my expectations on being there for me the same way I have been there for them? I have wondered if they are real friends at all. There is so much pain in so many ways that I have already written about. Is there something larger than the details on these pages?